Clinton Goes to Hell

One day in the future, Bill Clinton has a heart attack and dies. He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him. "I don't know what to do here," says the devil. "You are on my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got a couple folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let you decide who leaves."

Clinton thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the first room. In it was Ted Kennedy and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty handed. Over and over and over. Such was his fate in hell. "No," Bill said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and I don't think I could do that all day long."

So the devil led him to the next room. In it was Newt Gingrich with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time. "No, I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day," commented Bill.

The devil opened a third door. In it, Clinton saw Jesse Jackson lying on the floor with his arms staked over his head, and his legs staked in a spread eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best. Clinton took this in in disbelief and finally said, "Yea, I can handle this."

The devil smiled and said "OK, Monica, you're free to go!"

  GOOD ONE DAVE !

Monica Lewinski takes her dress to the dry cleaners.  She tells the old man she needs it for a party the following night.  A little hard of hearing, he says, "come again?" Monica says, "no, it's just mustard."

On the campaign trail Bill, Hillary, and Al Gore all die in a plane crash.  Al gore is the first to meet his maker.  God asks, "who are you?" Gore says I was Vice President, the second most powerful man in the world.  God says, "come up here and sit right next to me on my left. 

Next comes Bill.  Same question.  "I'm Bill Clinton.  I was once the president, the most powerful man in the world."  God says, "you sit right here at my right." 

Finally comes Hillary.  God asks, "Who might you be?"  "I am Hillary and, your in my seat."

A older gentleman approached a marine who was guarding the White House.  He told the marine, "I'd like to speak with President Clinton."  The marine responded, "Sir, that's not possible."  The elder man said, "I am a retired marine and veteran of two wars."  "I'm sorry sir, Mr. Clinton is no longer president."  To this, the man turns around and quietly walks away.

The next day, the old man meets the same guard.  "I demand an audience with President Clinton." he says.  Again the young marine says, "Sir, Mr. Clinton is no longer president."  The man again turns and walks away without comment.

On the third day, the gentleman approaches the same guard.  "I really must see President Clinton."  The guard responds, a little agitated, "Sir, Ive already told you  twice that Mr. Clinton is no longer the president.  Why do you keep asking?"  The man responded, "Well, marine, I just like to hear that he's no longer president."  To this the guard snaps to attention, renders a sharp salute and says, "See you tomorrow, sir."

5 good ones in a row.......

Bill Clinton and Al Gore go into a local diner for lunch. As they read the menu the waitress comes over and asks Clinton, "Are you ready to order?"

Clinton replies, "Yes, I'd like a quickie."

"A quickie?!?" the waitress replies. "Sir, given the current situation of your personal life I don't think that is a good idea. I'll come back when you are ready to order from the menu."

She walks away.

Gore leans over to Clinton and says, "It's pronounced Quiche."

Bill & Hillary:

Worse than you thought &worth remembering and this came from a Democrat:

Dear Mr. Ex President Clinton:

I recently saw a bumper sticker that said, "Thank me, I voted for Clinton-Gore."   So, I sat down and reflected on that, and I am sending my
"Thank you" for what you have done, specifically:

1. Thank you for introducing us to Jennifer Flowers, Paula Jones, Monica Lewinsky, Dolly Kyle Browning, Kathleen Willey, and Juanita Broderick.
Did I leave anyone out?

2. Thank you for teaching my 8 year old about oral sex. I had really planned to wait until he was a little older to discuss it with him, but now
he knows more about it than I did as a senior in college.

3. Thank you for showing us that sexual harassment in the work place (especially the White House) and on the job is OK, and all you have to know is what the meaning of "is" is. It really is great to know that certain sexual acts are not sex, and one person may have sex while the other one does NOT have sex.

4. Thank you for reintroducing the concept of impeachment to a new generation and demonstrating that the ridiculous plot of the movie "Wag
the Dog" could be plausible after all.

5. Thanks for making Jimmy Carter look competent, Gerald Ford look graceful, Richard Nixon look honest, Lyndon Johnson look truthful, and
John Kennedy look moral.

6. Thank you for the 73 House and Senate witnesses who have pled the
5th Amendment and 17 witnesses who have f led the country to avoid testifying about Democratic campaign fund raising.

7. Thank you, for the 19 charges, 8 convictions, and 4 imprisonment's from the Whitewater "mess" and the 55 criminal charges and 32 criminal convictions (so far) in the other "Clinton" scandals.
8. Thanks also for reducing our military by half, "gutting" much of our
foreign policy, and flying all over the world on "vacations" carefully disguised as necessary trips.

9 Thank you, also, for "finding" millions of dollars (I really didn't
need it in the first place, and I can't think of a more deserving group of
recipients for my hard-earned tax dollars) for all of your globe-trotting. I understand you, the family and your cronies have logged in more time aboard Air Force One than any other administration..

10. Now that you've left the White House, thanks for the 140 pardons of
convicted felons and indicted felons-in-exile. We will love to have them
rejoin society. (Not to mention the scores you pardoned while Governor of
Arkansas).

11. Thanks also for removing the White House silverware. I'm sure that Laura Bush didn't like the pattern anyway. Also, enjoy the housewarming
gifts you've received from your "friends."

12. Thanks to you and your staff in the West Wing of the White House for
vandalizing and destroying government property on the way out. I also
appreciate removing all of that excess weight (China, silverware, linen,
towels, ash trays, soap, pens, magnetic compass, flight manuals, etc.)
out of Air Force.   The weight savings means burning less fuel, thus less
tax dollars spent on jet fuel. Thank you!

13. And finally, please ensure that Hillary enjoys the $8 million dollar
advance for her "tell-all" book and you, Bill, the $10 million advance
for your memoirs. Who says crime doesn't pay!

14. The last and most important point - thank you for forcing Israel to
let Mohammed Atta go free. Terrorist pilot Mohammed Atta blew up a bus in Israel in 1986. The Israelis captured, tried and imprisoned him. As part of the Oslo agreement with the Palestinians in 1993, Israel had to agree to release so-called "political prisoners". However, the Israelis would not release any with blood on their hands. The American President at the time, Bill Clinton, and his Secretary of State, Warren Christopher, "insisted" that all prisoners be released. Thus Mohammed Atta was freed and eventually thanked the US by flying an airplane into Tower One of the World Trade Center. This was reported by many of the American TV networks at the time that the terrorists were first identified. It was censored in the US from all later reports. Why shouldn't Americans know the real truth? What a guy!!

If you agree that the American public must be made aware of these facts,
pass this on.

God bless America and THANK YOU (once again) for spending my taxes so
wisely and frugally.

SINCERELY,
A US Citizen

PS.
Please pass along a special thank you to Al Gore for "inventing" the Internet, without which I would not be able to send this wonderful,
factual e-mail.

AND THE REST OF THE STORY Hillary Rodham Clinton, as a New York State
Senator, now comes under the "Congressional Retirement and Staffing
Plan," which means that even if she never gets reelected, she STILL receives her Congressional salary until she dies. (Would it not be nice if all Americans were pension eligible after only 4 years?)

If Bill outlives her, he then inherits HER salary until HE dies. He is already getting his Presidential salary until he dies. If Hillary outlives Bill, she also gets HIS salary until she dies. Guess who pays for that? WE DO!

It's common knowledge that in order for her to establish NY residency, they purchased a million dollar-plus house in upscale Chappaqua, New York.   Makes sense. They are entitled to Secret Service protection for life. Still makes sense.

Here is where it becomes interesting. Their mortgage payments hover at
around $10,000 per month. BUT, an extra residence HAD to be built
within the acreage to house the Secret Service agents. The Clintons charge the Federal government $10,000 monthly rent for the use of that extra residence, which is just about equal to their mortgage payment. This means that we, the taxpayers, are paying the Clinton's salary, mortgage, transportation, safety and security, as well as the salaries for their 12 man staff -- and, this is all perfectly legal!

When she runs for President, will you vote for her? How m!any people can YOU send this to?