Yesterday I  was at my local COSTCO buying a large bag of Purina

 dog chow for  my loyal pet, Jake, the Wonder Dog and was in the

check-out  line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

 What did she think I  had, an  elephant? So since I'm retired and

 have little  to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I

 was starting  the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't,

because I ended up  in

the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I  awakened

 in an  intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my

 orifices and  IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet and  that the way that

 it works is,  to load your pants pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply

 eat one or  two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally

complete so  it

works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention  here

 that  practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my  story.)

 Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care, because the  dog

food

poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff a

 poodle's ass  and a car hit me.

 I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart  attack he

 was Laughing  so hard.

 Costco won't let me shop there anymore.

Better watch what you  ask retired people. They have all the time in

 the World to think of crazy things to  say.