MONDAY
The mother of a  17-year-old girl was concerned that
her daughter was having  sex...
Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely  impact the
Family’s status, she consulted the family doctor.
The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then told her to arrange for her daughter to  be put on birth control and until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms.
Later that evening, as her daughter  was preparing for a date, the mother told her about the  situation and handed her a box of condoms.
The girl burst out  laughing and reached over to hug
her  mother, saying,
'Oh Mom! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating Susan!'

 TUESDAY
A man went to church  one day and afterward he stopped to shake the preacher's hand.  He said, 'Preacher, I’ll tell you, that was a damned fine sermon.
Damned good!'
The preacher said, 'Thank you sir, but I'd rather you didn't use profanity.'
The man said, 'I was so damned impressed with that sermon I put five thousand dollars in the offering plate!'
The preacher said, 'No shit?'

 WEDNESDAY
Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor.
With some hesitation,  they explained that although their little angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small penis.
After examining the child, the doctor confidently  declared, 'Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the  problem.'
The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack of warm pancakes in the  middle of the table.
'Gee, Mom,' he exclaimed, 'for me?'

'Just take two,' Brenda replied. 'The rest are for your father.'

 THURSDAY
One night, an  87-year-old woman came home from Bingo to find her
92-year-old husband in bed with another woman. She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th floor apartment,  killing him instantly. Brought before the court on the charge  of murder, she was asked if she had anything to say in her own defense.
‘Your Honor,' she  began coolly, 'I figured that at 92, if he could screw, he could fly.'

 FRIDAY
A
Doctor  was addressing a large audience in Tampa .
'The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago.
Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining.  Chinese food is loaded with MSG.
High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the  long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water.  However, there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all  and we all have eaten, or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me  what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?'
After several seconds  of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand,  and softly said, ‘Wedding Cake.'

 SATURDAY
Bob, a 70-year-old,  extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25-year-old  blonde-haired woman who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm and who hangs over Bob’s arm and listens intently to his every word.
His  buddies at the club are all aghast. At the very first chance, they corner him and ask, 'Bob, how’d you get the trophy girlfriend?' Bob replies, ‘Girlfriend? She's my wife!' They are knocked over, but continue to ask. 'So, how'd you persuade  her to marry you?' 'I lied about my age,' Bob replies. 'What, did you tell her you were only 50?'
Bob smiles and says,  'No, I told her I was 90.'

 SUNDAY
Groups of Americans  were traveling by tour bus through Switzerland . As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through the process of cheese making, explaining that goat's milk was used. She showed the group a lovely hillside where many goats  were grazing.
'These,' she explained, 'are the older goats put out to pasture when they no longer produce.' She then asked, 'What do you do in  America with your old goats?'
A spry old gentleman  answered, 'They send us on bus tours!'