The Electric fence

 We had the standard 6ft. fence in the backyard, and a few months ago, I heard about burglaries increasing dramatically in the entire city.   To make sure this never happened to me, I got an electric fence and ran a single wire along the top of the fence.   Actually, I got the biggest cattle charger Tractor Supply had, made for 26 miles of fence.   I then used an 8 ft. long ground round, drove 7.5 feet into the ground.  The ground rod is the key, with the more you have in the ground, the better the fence works.

One day I'm mowing the back yard with my cheapo Walmart 6hp bigwheel pushmower.   The hot wire is broken and laying out in the yard.  I knew for a fact that I unplugged the charger.   I pushed the mower around the wire and reached down to grab it, to throw it out of the way.   It seems as though I hadn't remembered to unplug it after all.

Now I'm standing there, I've got the running lawnmower in my right hand and the 1.7 gigavolt fencewire in the other hand.  Keep in mind the charger is about the size of a marine battery and has a picture of an upside down cow on fire on the cover.  Time stood still.  The first thing I notice is my balls trying to climb up the front side of my body.  My ears curled downwards and I could feel the lawnmower ignition firing in the backside of my brain.  Every time that Briggs & Stratton rolled over, I could feel the spark in my head.  I was literally at one with the engine.   It seems as though the fence charger and the POS lawnmower were fighting over who would control my electrical impulses.

Science says you cannot crap, pee, and nut at the same time. I beg to differ. Not only did I do all three at once, but my bowels emptied 3 different times in less than half of a second.  It was a Matrix kind of bowel movement, where time is creeping along and you're all leaned back and BAM BAM BAM you just crap your pants 3 times.   It seemed like there were minutes in between pulses, but in reality it was so close together it was like exhaust pulses from a big block Chevy turning 8 grand.

At this point I'm about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into holding onto the fence wire.   My hand is wrapped around the wire palm down so I cant let go.  I grew up on a farm so I know all about electric fences... but Dad always had those POS chargers made by International or whoever that were like 9 volts and just kinda tickled.  This I could not let go of.  

The 8 foot long ground rod is now accepting signals from me through the permadamp Ark-La-Tex river bottom soil.  At this point I'm thinking I'm going to have to just man up and take it, until the lawnmower runs out of gas.

'darn!,' I think, as I remember I just filled the tank!  Now the lawnmower is starting to run rough.  It has settled into a loping run pattern as if it had some kind of big lawnmower race cam in it.  Covered in poop, pee, jizz, and with my balls on my chest I think 'Oh God please die.... pleeeeze die'.

Larry............I think I wet my pants reading this one..........my wife heard my laughter while I'm at the computer in my basement and she's two stories up from me in the bedroom.  You've outdone yourself with this one