Thought for the Day You Can't Fix Stupid

EIGHTH PLACE:


In Detroit , a 41-year-old man got stuck and drowned in two feet of
 water after
squeezing head first through an 18-inch-wide sewer grate to retrieve
 his car
keys.


SEVENTH PLACE


A 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker, who "totally zoned when he
 ran,"
accidentally jogged off a 100-foot high cliff on his daily run.



SIXTH PLACE


Buxton , NC : A man died on a beach when an 8-foot-deep hole he had dug
 into the
sand caved in as he sat inside it. Beach-goers said Daniel Jones, 21,
 dug the
hole for fun, or protection from the wind, and had been sitting in a
 beach
chair at the bottom Thursday afternoon when it collapsed, burying him
 beneath 5
feet of sand. People on the beach, on the outer banks, used their hands
 and
shovels, trying to claw their way to Jones, a resident of Woodbridge ,
 VA , but
could not reach him. It took rescue workers using heavy equipment
 almost an hour
to free him while about 200 people looked on. Jones was pronounced dead
 at a
hospital.



FIFTH PLACE


Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed in Lompoc , as he fell face-first
 through the
ceiling of a bicycle shop he was burglarizing. Death was caused when
 the long
flashlight he had placed in his mouth (to keep his hands free) rammed
 into the
base of his skull as he hit the floor.



FOURTH PLACE


Sylvester Briddell, Jr., 26, was killed in Selbyville , Del , as he won
 a bet
with friends who said he would not put a revolver loaded with four
 bullets into
his mouth and pull the trigger.


THIRD PLACE   (THIS ONE SHOULD HAVE BEEN  FIRST PLACE)


The following mind-boggling attempt at a crime spree in Washington , DC
 appeared
to be the robber's first (and last), due to his lack of a previous
 record of
violence, and his terminally stupid choices:


1. His target was H&J Leather & Firearms; A gun shop specializing in
 handguns.

2. The shop was full of customers - firearms customers.

3. To enter the shop, the robber had to step around a marked police
 patrol car
parked at the front door.


4. A uniformed officer was standing at the counter, having coffee
 before work.
Upon seeing the officer, the would-be robber announced a hold-up, and
 fired a
few wild shots from a target pistol. The officer and a clerk promptly
 returned
fire, the police officer with a 9mm GLOCK 17, the clerk with a 50
 DESERT EAGLE,
assisted by several customers who also drew their guns, several of whom
 also
drew and fired. The robber was pronounced dead at the scene by
 Paramedics.
Crime scene investigators located 47 expended cartridge cases in the
 shop. The
subsequent autopsy revealed 23 gunshot wounds. Ballistics identified
 rounds
from 7 different weapons. No one else was hurt in the exchange of fire.


HONORABLE MENTION


Paul Stiller, 47, was hospitalized in Andover township, NJ, and his
 wife Bonnie
was also injured, when a quarter-stick of dynamite blew up in their
 car. While
driving around at 2 AM, the bored couple lit the dynamite and tried to
 toss it
out the window to see what would happen, but apparently failed to
 notice the
window was closed.


RUNNER UP:


TACOMA , WA - Kerry Bingham had been drinking with several friends when
 one of
them said they knew a person who had bungee-jumped from the Tacoma
 Narrows
Bridge in the middle of traffic. The conversation grew more heated and
 at least
10 men trooped along the walkway of the bridge at 4:30 AM Upon arrival
 at the
midpoint of the bridge they discovered that no one had brought a bungee
 rope.


Bingham, who had continued drinking, volunteered and pointed out that a
 coil of
lineman's cable lay near by. One end of the cable was secured around
 Bingham's
leg and the other end was tied to the bridge. His fall lasted 40 feet
 before
the cable tightened and tore his foot off at the ankle. He miraculously
survived his fall into the icy salt water and was rescued by two nearby
fishermen.


"All I can say" said Bingham, "is that God was watching out for me on
 that
night. There's just no other explanation for it." Bingham's foot was
 never
located.



AND THE WINNER...


Overzealous zookeeper Friedrich Riesfeldt ( Paderborn , Germany ) fed
 his
constipated elephant Stefan 22 doses of animal laxative and more than a
 bushel
of berries, figs and prunes before the plugged- up pachyderm finally
 let it
fly, and suffocated the keeper under 200 pounds of poop! Investigators
 say
ill-fated Friedrich, 46, was attempting to give the ailing elephant an
 olive
oil enema when the relieved beast unloaded on him. "The sheer force of
 the
elephant's unexpected defecation knocked Mr. Riesfeldt to the ground
 where he
struck his head on a rock and lay unconscious as the elephant continued
 to
evacuate his bowels on top of him" said flabbergasted Paderborn police
detective Erik Dern. With no one there to help him, he lay under all
 that dung
for at least an hour before a watchman came along, and during that time
 he
suffocated. It seems to be just one of those freak accidents that
 proves...
"crap happens."