Dear Dr. Adams,

I understand that you’ve added a new specialty to your medical practice: relationship counseling for classic cars. Instead of “advice to the lovelorn”, you’re offering “advice for the wellworn”. So that’s why I’m writing you.

I’m a 1978 Corvette L48, and I’ve been in a long-term, monogamous relationship with my transmission—a TH350—ever since we got married in St. Louis. But it seems as though we’re stuck in the same old rut—accelerate, decelerate…accelerate, decelerate—and I want to know if we should try something new to spice things up.

Our owner came across what might be just the ticket (you should pardon the expression!) in the local NAPA store last week, and I want your advice about it. It’s synthetic ATF (no, I’m not talking about the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms—although I bet they throw a heck of a Christmas party!!). I mean automatic transmission fluid—specifically, the Mobil 1 brand—and since our owner put that same brand of synthetic engine oil in me recently, and I just feel all peachy and perky as a result, I was wondering if it might be good for my TH350 partner.

Sort of, put a little extra ‘drive’ in his tailshaft maybe, if you know what I mean?

I thought about getting a new bra…but they chafe me. Rubber and leather things are too expensive right now, unfortunately.

I have a good figure for a gal my age--my measurements are 350-195-280--and since I’m a California car, if you recommend silicone bushing implants I’ll go for it, for sure!

But I thought maybe we should start with something we can slip into more easily, like this Mobil 1 synthetic lubricant. My TH350 may have only three speeds, but he can still get me all revved up!

I would have written to Dr. Fill, but all he does is yak on about boring cars…like Fords and Dodges. And I thought about going on that really popular TV talk show, where O-ring is the hostess…but you seem like you know an awful lot about us Corvettes, so I’m asking you.

Plus, you’ve got that reallly cute l’il red ’74…and I just have a ‘thing’ for older cars!

Signed,

Beverly Chevy

(P.S.: Just so you know, we’ve been following your advice to “stick to the transmissionary position” all this time…)

P.P.S.S.: If you’re still in practice with those other vetterinarians, maybe they could offer advice as well…except didn’t I hear Dr. Styer say he was “getting loaded, doc”--?? Or did I misunderstand…and Dr. Kapp—he has four of us—FOUR!!!—so I bet he never even gets out of the garage these days…and Dr. Lukas? Wasn’t he called back to Vienna to ‘get his heads adjusted’--?? Dr. Indy seems like he’s always running around in circles…Dr. Ron's busy consulting with Dr. Rebuild...and Administrator Wartell isn’t even licensed…well, unless you count his DMV thingy…

P.P.P.S.S.S.: I reallly don’t want Chaplain Tuxblacray to hear about this. My H.E.I. (Highly Embarrassing Information) is just waaaaayyy too personal…

P.P.P.P.S.S.S.S.: I reallly don’t want to get a physical from that first-year resident Speilman, either. For some reason his hands are always all chapped…and his cologne smells like 409—and I’m not talking about the engine: I mean Formula 409…


P.P.P.P.P.S.S.S.S.S. Maybe I should just talk to nurse Micki??

Dear Ms. Chevy,
Please note that the synthetical lubrication you inquired about is stictly for automotive use, NOT to be taken internally by carbon-based homo-sapien humanoidal schizophrenic hypochondriacs such as yourself, as I suspect you have been doing while sheepishly hiding behind the workbench in Mr. Chevy's "greenhouse".

Furthermore, it is not reccommended to introduce such a man-made product into a gear changing device that has been fed a steady diet of processed ancient dead dinosuarian carnivoures. The risk of doing this could be a newfound pre-disposition of leakage around and about the externally located rubber-clad fluid retention devises. Also in the "bad doo-doo" column of possibilities is the cleansing effects these liquid juices can have on the certainly nasty internal organs of said gear changing device. Once the dirty nasty doo-doo is washed from the surfaces of the guts, they have to go somewhere, much as taking a colon-cleansing supplement would do to you. In other words(or even these exact words), your unit might possibly "take a dump".
As your "Doctor" of record, Madame, I could not reccommend you do this fludicinal change until the time has come for the "augumentation" surgery to be performed on your unit.

Please continue taking the thorazine previously prescribed, and just keep telling yourself..."It's ONLY a movie...It's ONLY a movie...It's ONLY a movie..."

Please pay on your way out...

The last time I saw Dr.Adams,he was lurking behind CandyStriper Hilton,that was down near the Doctors Lounge or was it down in the Broom closet,oh well it doesn't matter,he aint here right now.He was discussing synthetic tranny fluid with some intern a week or so ago,but I had too leave the room B-4 I could hear his opinion on that matter,oops gotta go,Nurse Micki needs some help ADJUSTING something ?If I see Dr.Adams I'll tell him your looking for him,All right Micki I'm coming DR.of Vettes,and F.G.Ron 782006-10-14 06:34:31

First year resident Spielman here, Well, heck-o Ms. Chevy... I hear the rumors around here about you and I hope they are not true? Please take my advise and follow Dr. Adam's orders very closely he knows what he's talking about. Please don't try to put that stuff in there you'll only make a mess of things and you'll be sorry in the end. Of course if you can afford the "Augumentation"surgery now, well, be my guest, suit yourself, take a chance, have at it, push your buttons, ring my bells, I dare ya.. You'll only be calling me later to clean up the mess and paying the Dr. way to much money for a fix..It won't be 409 you'll be smell'in more like burnt bands and stuff..The word is out on you dear, Oh by the way; you won't get the chafe thing on a bra if you first put down 3M clear-coat? I talk from experience with over 9000 miles with a tight fit bra on a new PPG paint job. Ms. Chevy, Please stay out of the NAPA places you don't know what you'll get in there? They will do anything to take advantage of you..Take two aspirin's and forum us in the morning..

spielman52006-10-14 15:05:26

Don't do it ,Oh God in heaven We Implore you,Don't make MUSH out of that TH350,Dino Juice is the only way to go.Oh man this seems like some hideous FLASH BACK to my younger days at WOODSTOCK.

Duktah Lukas heeyah! LukesVette2006-10-14 15:46:58

Out of office reply:

I have been called away for the next few days to renew my vows of commitment as a recent inductee into the Black Sheep Squadron.
If your present conditions continue I would suggest that you take comfort in the House Of Zora. (GM) You will find many reference volumes to help support Dr. Adams diagnosis.
I pray that in the interim no rash decisions are made and that you would continue to follow the doctors advice.
As you are well aware you have the support of your family here and they will come to your aide as necessary.
Until that time I will keep you and yours in my prayers. As I reflect upon your situation I will embibe on spirt of water to help to cleanse thy mind & Body in reflection of your need.


                                 Chaplain Tux...
Tuxblacray2006-10-15 10:54:16

Well, my friend Chevelle, SHE says I should be more focused on my rear end than my tranny....

do you think I look fat--does my butt look too big--in this 3.55?

I'm not touchin that with a ten-foot cresent wrench...

Never ,ever make a comment on the size of a womens BUTT,Dr.Ron