Breaking the News

A father, passing by his son’s bedroom, was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up.  Then he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow, that was addressed to “Dad.”

He opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the letter.

Dear Dad:

It is with great regret that I’m writing you.  I eloped with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you.  I have been finding real passion with Stacy.  She is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercings, her tattoos, her boob surgery, her past work as a dancer and model the fact that she is much older than I am.  But it’s not only the passion.  Dad, Stacy’s pregnant.

Stacy and I will be very happy.  She owns a trailer in the Arkansas woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter.  We share a dream of having many more children.  Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn’t really hurt anyone.  We’ll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy.

In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Stacy can get better.  She so deserves it.

Don’t worry, Dad.  I’m 15 and I know how to take care of myself.  Someday I’m sure that we will come back to Wichita to visit so that you can get to know your grandchildren.

Love,  Your Son John

PS. Dad, none of the above is true.  I’m over at Tommy’s house.  I Just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the report card that’s in my center desk drawer.

I love you.