LOVE BRITISH HUMOR These are classified ads which were actually placed in U.K. newspapers:     FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER. 8 years old, Hateful little bastard.  Bites! ___________________________________________ FREE PUPPIES 1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog. ________________________________________________ FREE PUPPIES. Mother is a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd. Father is a Super Dog, able to leap tall fences in a single bound. _______________________________________________________ COWS, CALVES:  NEVER BRED.  Also 1 gay bull for sale. ________________________________________________________ JOINING NUDIST COLONY! Must sell washer and dryer £100. _____________________________________________________________ WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE . Worn once by mistake. Call Stephanie. ___________________________________________________________ And the WINNER is... FOR SALE BY OWNER.  Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes. Excellent condition, £200 or best offer. No longer needed, got married, wife knows everything. (Statement of the Century) ___________________________________________________________ Thought from the Greatest Living Scottish Thinker -- Billy Connolly. "If women are so bloody perfect at multitasking, How come they can't have a headache and sex at the same time?" ____________________________________________________________ Children Are Quick TEACHER:  Why are you late? STUDENT:  Class started before I got here. ____________________________________ TEACHER:  John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor? JOHN:  You told me to do it without using tables. __________________________________________ TEACHER:  Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?' GLENN:      K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L' TEACHER:  No, that's wrong GLENN:Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it. (I Love this child) ____________________________________________ TEACHER:  Donald, what is the chemical formula for water? DONALD:    H I J K L M N O. TEACHER:  What are you talking about? DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O. __________________________________ TEACHER:  Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago. WINNIE: Me! __________________________________________ TEACHER:  Glen, why do you always get so dirty? GLEN:  Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are. _______________________________________ TEACHER:  Millie, give me a sentence starting with ' I. ' MILLIE:  I is..... TEACHER:  No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.' MILLIE:       All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.' ________________________________ TEACHER:  George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it.  Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him? LOUIS:        Because George still had the axe in his hand..... ______________________________________ TEACHER:  Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating? SIMON:       No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook. ______________________________ TEACHER:  Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's.  Did you copy his? CLYDE:       No, sir.  It's the same dog. (I want to adopt this kid!!!) ___________________________________ TEACHER:  Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested? HAROLD:    A teacher. __________________________________