Subject: Chili Cook  Off   
> 
> If you can  read this whole story without laughing
> then there's no hope  for
> you. I was crying by the  end. Note: Please take
> time to read this slowly.  
> (I've read  this probably 5 times and it never fails
> to reduce me to tears 
> of
> laughter). Hope it does  the same for you!!! 
> If you pay  attention to the first two judges, the
> reaction of the  third
> judge is even better. For  those of you who have
> lived in Texas, you know how
> 
> true this is. They  actually have a Chili Cook Off
> about the time Halloween 
> comes around. It takes up  a major portion of a
> parking lot at the San 
> Antonio City Park. Judge #3 was an inexperienced
> Chili Taster named Frank,
> who was visiting from  Springfield, IL.  
> Frank:  "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a
> judge at a  chili
> cook-off. The original  person called in sick at the
> last moment and I 
> happened to be standing  there at the judge's table
> asking for directions to 
> the Coors Light truck,  when the call came in. I was
> assured by the other two
> 
> judges (Native Texans)  that the chili wouldn't be
> all that spicy and, 
> besides, they told me I  could have free beer during
> the tasting, so I 
> accepted."  
> Here are the  scorecard notes from the event: 
>
*****************************************************
>  
> CHILI # 1 -  MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI... 
> Judge # 1 --  A little too heavy on the tomato.
> Amusing kick.  
> Judge # 2 -  Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
> 
> Judge # 3  (Frank) -- Holy crap, what the heck is
> this stuff? You  could
> remove dried paint from  your driveway. Took me two
> beers to put the flames 
> out. I hope that's the  worst one. These Texans are
> crazy. 
>
*****************************************************
>  
> CHILI # 2 -  AUSTIN'S  AFTERBURNER CHILI... 
> Judge # 1 --  Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight
> jalapeno tang.  
> Judge #2 --  Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers
> to be taken  seriously. 
> Judge # 3 --  Keep this out of the reach of
> children. I'm not sure what  I'm
> supposed to taste besides  pain. I had to wave off
> two people who wanted to 
> give me the Heimlich  maneuver. They had to rush in
> more beer when they saw 
> the look on my  face. 
>
*****************************************************
>  
> CHILI # 3 -  FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN
> CHILI...  
> Judge # 1 --  Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
>  
> Judge # 2 --  A bit salty, good use of peppers. 
> Judge # 3 --  Call the EPA. I've located a uranium
> spill. My nose feels  like
> I have been snorting  Drano. Everyone knows the
> routine by now. Get me more 
> beer before I ignite.  Barmaid pounded me on the
> back, now my backbone is in 
> the front part of my  chest. I'm getting crap-faced
> from all of the beer.  
>
*****************************************************
>  
> CHILI # 4 -  BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC... 
> Judge # 1 --  Black bean chili with almost no spice.
> Disappointing.  
> Judge # 2 --  Hint of lime in the black beans. Good
> side dish for fish or 
> other mild foods not much  of a chili. 
> Judge # 3 --  I felt something scraping across my
> tongue, but was unable  to
> taste it. Is it possible  to burn out taste buds?
> Sally, the beermaid, was 
> standing behind me with  fresh refills. That 300-LB
> woman is starting to look
> 
> HOT. just like this  nuclear waste I'm eating! Is
> chili an aphrodisiac?  
>
*****************************************************
>  
> CHILI # 5  LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER... 
> Judge # 1 --  Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers
> freshly ground, adding 
> considerable kick. Very  impressive. 
> Judge # 2 --  Chili using shredded beef, could use
> more tomato. Must  admit
> the cayenne peppers make a  strong statement. 
> Judge # 3 --  My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring
> off my forehead and I 
> can
> no longer focus my eyes. I  farted and four people
> behind me needed 
> paramedics. The contestant  seemed offended when I
> told her that her chili 
> had given me brain damage.  Sally saved my tongue
> from bleeding by pouring 
> beer directly on it from  the pitcher. I wonder if
> I'm burning my lips off. 
> It really pisses me off  that the other judges asked
> me to stop screaming. 
> Screw those  rednecks. 
>
*****************************************************
>  
> CHILI # 6 -  VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY... 
> Judge # 1 --  Thin yet bold vegetarian variety
> chili. Good balance of  spices
> and  peppers. 
> Judge # 2 --  The best yet. Aggressive use of
> peppers, onions, and  garlic.
> Superb.  
> Judge # 3 --  My intestines are now a straight pipe
> filled with gaseous, 
> sulfuric flames. I crap on  myself when I farted and
> I'm worried it will eat 
> through the chair. No one  seems inclined to stand
> behind me except that 
> Sally. Can't feel my lips  anymore. I need to wipe
> my ass with a snow cone.  
>
*****************************************************
>  
> CHILI # 7 -  SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI..  
> Judge # 1 --  A mediocre chili with too much
> reliance on canned peppers.  
> Judge # 2 --  Ho hum, tastes as if the chef
> literally threw in a can of 
> chili
> peppers at the last  moment. **I should take note
> that I am worried about 
> Judge # 3. He appears to  be in a bit of distress as
> he is cursing 
> uncontrollably.  
> Judge # 3 --  You could put a grenade in my mouth,
> pull the pin, and I 
> wouldn't feel a thing.  I've lost sight in one eye,
> and the world sounds like
> 
> it is made of rushing  water. My shirt is covered
> with chili, which slid 
> unnoticed out of my mouth.  My pants are full of
> lava to match my shirt. At 
> least during the autopsy,  they'll know what killed
> me. I've decided to stop 
> breathing it's too  painful. Screw it; I'm not
> getting any oxygen anyway. If 
> I need air, I'll just suck  it in through the 4-inch
> hole in my stomach.  
>
*****************************************************
>  
> CHILI # 8 -  BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI... 
> Judge # 1 --  The perfect ending, this is a nice
> blend chili. Not too  bold
> but spicy enough to  declare its existence. 
> Judge # 2 --  This final entry is a good, balanced
> chili. Neither mild  nor
> hot. Sorry to see that  most of it was lost when
> Judge #3 farted, passed out,
> 
> fell over and pulled the  chili pot down on top of
> himself. Not sure if he's 
> going to make it. poor  feller, wonder how he'd have
> reacted to really hot 
> chili?  
> Judge # 3 -  No Report 

I knew you guys would get a "kick" out of this.

OMG!!   I've been laughin' so hard, I'm crying!!       I died laughing at, "I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics."    And the other phrase, "I crap on  myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair."    Hilarious!!  

THANKS for the LAUGH!!

Greypoupon69

I had to pass it along, I was laughing so much I figured a few others would enjoy it. BTW, how are you feeling ? 

This is fantastic!   I first saw it years ago.  It was written by Jeff Foxworthy.  Imagine that.

Still as good as the first time I saw it!

That's some funny sh--

Sounds like me, the hottest thing I can handle is ketchip!

Dave