Natal curry contest.

>

>If you can read this whole story without laughing then there's no hope

>for you.

>

>Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the

>first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better. For

>those of you who have lived in Natal, you know how typical this is.

>They

>

>actually have a Curry Cook-off about June/July. It takes up a major

>portion of a parking lot at the Royal Show in PMB Judge #3 was an

>inexperienced food critic named Frank, who was visiting from America.

>

>Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a Curry

>Cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I

>happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for

>directions

>

>to the Beer Garden when the call came in. I was assured by the other

>two

>

>judges (Natal Indians) that the curry wouldn't be all that spicy and,

>besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I

>accepted".

>

>Here are the scorecard notes from the event:

>

>CURRY # 1 - SEELAN'S MANIAC MONSTER TOMATO CURRY...

>Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.

>Judge # 2 -- Nice smooth tomato flavour. Very mild.

>Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff? You could

>remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the

>flames out. I hope that's the worst one These people are crazy.

>

>CHILI # 2 - PHOENIX BBQ CHICKEN CURRY..

>Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of chicken. Slight chili tang.

>Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken

>seriously.

>Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what

>I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who

>wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver! They had to rush in more beer

>when they saw the look on my face.

>

>CURRY # 3 - SHAMILA'S FAMOUS "BURN DOWN THE GARAGE" CURRY...

>Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse curry. Great kick.

>Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of chili peppers.

>Judge # 3 -- Call 911. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like

>I have been snorting Drain Cleaner. Everyone knows the routine by now.

>Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now

>my

>

>backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting pissed from all

>the beer.

>

>CHILI # 4 - BABOO'S BLACK MAGIC BEAN CURRY...

>Judge # 1 -- Black bean curry with almost no spice. Disappointing.

>Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish

>or

>

>other mild foods, not much of a curry.

>Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable

>to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Shareen, the

>beermaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 200kg woman

>is

>

>starting to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is

>chili

>

>an aphrodisiac?

>

>CHILI # 5 LALL'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER...

>Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong curry. Cayenne peppers freshly ground,

>adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

>Judge # 2 -- Average beef curry, could use more tomato. Must admit the

>chili peppers make a strong statement.

>Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and

>I

>

>can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed

>paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her

>chili had given me brain damage. Shareen saved my tongue from bleeding

>by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm

>burning

>

>my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to

>stop screaming. Screw them

>

>CHILI # 6 - VERISHNEE'S VEGETARIAN VARIETY...

>Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety curry. Good balance of

>spices and peppers.

>Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and

>garlic. Superb.

>Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,

>sulfuric flames. I am definitely going to crap myself if I fart and I'm

>worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand

>behind me except that Shareen. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to

>wipe my ass with a snow cone ice cream.

>

>CHILI # 7 - SELINA'S "MOTHER-IN-LAW'S-TONGUE" CURRY...

>Judge # 1 -- A mediocre curry with too much reliance on canned peppers.

>Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of

>chili peppers at the last moment. (I should take note at this stage

>that

>

>I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as

>he is cursing uncontrollably).

>Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I

>wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds

>like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with curry which

>slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my

>shirt. At least, during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've

>decided to stop breathing - it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting

>any oxygen anyway. If I need air I'll just suck it in through the

>4-inch

>

>hole in my stomach.

>

>CHILI # 8 - NAIDOO'S TOENAIL CURLING CURRY...

>Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending. This is a nice blend curry. Not too

>bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.

>Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced curry. Neither mild

>nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted,

>passed out, fell over and pulled the curry pot down on top of himself.

>Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor man, wonder how he'd have

>reacted to really hot curry?

>Judge # 3 - No Report