Birds of a feather flock together . . . and then crap on your car.
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A penny saved is a government oversight.
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The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.
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The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
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He who hesitates is probably right.
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Did you ever notice:  The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are XL.
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If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
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The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.
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Did you ever notice:  When you put the 2 words 'The' and 'IRS' together it spells 'Theirs!'
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Aging:  Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.
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Some people try to turn back their odometers.  Not me, I want people to know 'why' I look this way.  I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.
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When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to your youth, think of Algebra.
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You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.
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One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young.
Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.
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Lord, Keep your arm around my shoulder
and your hand over my mouth ...
AMEN!