I recieved this joke from my Uncle.   Very funny....     

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After a night of drinking, Brian crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep. He gave her a peck on the cheek and fell asleep. When he awoke he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white robe. "Who the hell are you?" demanded Brian, and what are you doing in my bedroom?"

The mysterious Man answered, "This isn't your bedroom and I'm St Peter".

Brian was stunned "You mean I'm dead!!! That can't be, I have so much to live for, I haven't said goodbye to my family... You've got to send me back straight away".

St Peter replied, "Yes, you can be reincarnated but there is a catch. We can only send you back as a dog or a hen." Brian was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen. A flash of light later, he was covered in feathers and clucking around pecking the ground.

"This ain't so bad" he thought until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him.

The farmyard rooster strolled over and said, "So you're the new hen, how are you enjoying your first day here?"

"It's not so bad," replies Brian, "but I have this strange feeling inside like I'm about to explode".

"You're ovulating," explained the rooster, "don't tell me you've never laid an egg before."

"Never," replies Brian.

"Well just relax and let it happen."

And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops out from under his tail.

An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time.

When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that had happened to him ever!!!

The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg he felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting,
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"Brian, wake up you drunken slob,  you're sh*tting in the bed!!!"

One of the best yet!

 Good one.. Cracked my wife and me up. longhorn29438878.5455902778

I hope this one doesn't violate any rules or decorum here...if so someone please let me know and I'll refrain in the future from such thing. I cleaned it up as best as I could...



A woman whose husband died received a call from the director of the funeral home where he was being prepped for burial and was told there was a problem.

"Madam, I have to tell you we have a problem. Your husband died with an erection and we can't close the casket."

"Well...cut the damn thing off and stick it up his butt!" she replied.

The funeral director said "Madam, we can't do such a thing! That's disrespectful at the very least!"

"He was my husband in life and he's my husband now he's dead! I'm paying for this so follow my wishes!" she demanded of the frustrated funeral director.

"Yes, Madam...as you wish" he replied.

Two days later at the viewing the widow was standing next to the open casket as family and friends filed past to show their last respects. Just before the casket was about to be closed, there was a tear that ran down from the dead man's eye.

The wife leaned over and whispered to her dead husband, "See, you SOB...I told you it hurts!"

       That's another funny joke. 

Oh thats so wrong, in soooo many ways cilrah38878.8321064815

Ok, the first one was milk out the nose funny! The second? Heard it before, but still funny.

Good ones. Printed out and forwarding on..