Just a few things I've learned/heard over the years...




A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.

A lady inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Husband wanted".
Next day she received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"
And the father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."

A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it since the thief was spending much less than his wife did.

A man upon his engagement, went to his father and said, "Dad! I've found a woman just like mother"
His father replied, "So what do you want? Sympathy?"

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

A man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished.

A woman told her friend, "I made my husband a millionaire."
"And what was he before you married him?" asked the friend.
"A billionaire" he replied.

After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I married you."
The husband replied, "Yes dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."

At the corktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?"
The other woman replied, "Yes I am, I married the wrong man."

Eighty percent of married men cheat in the U.S. The rest cheat in Canada.

First guy: "My wife's an angel."
Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other fellow has, You wish you had ordered that.

How do most men define marriage?
An expensive way to get your laundry done free.

Husband: Want a quickie?
Wife: As opposed to what?

I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, "There was water in the carburetor."
I asked her, "Where's the car?"
She replied, "In the lake."

I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months - I don't like to interrupt her.

I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.

I think one of the greatest things about marriage is that as both husband and father, I can say anything I want to around the house. Of course, no one pays the least bit of attention.

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

It's not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer.

Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.

Losing a wife can be very hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.

Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.

Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.

My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So I got myself two girlfriends.

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

My wife dresses to kill. She also cooks the same way.

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.

The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.

The trouble with being the best man at a wedding is that you never get to prove it.

Then there was a woman who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and by then it was too late."

When a man steals your wife there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.

When a woman steals your husband, there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are attractive to the opposite sex.

Words to live by: Do not argue with a spouse who is packing your parachute.

You have two choices in life: You can stay single and be miserable, or get married and wish you were dead.

You know the honeymoon is pretty much over when you start to go out with the boys on Wednesday nights, and so does she.

Young son: "Is it true Dad, that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"
Dad: "That happens in every country, son."