Physicists Identify New Periodic Element
Research has led to the discovery of the heaviest element yet known to
science. Recent hurricanes and defense issues are proof of the existence
of the new chemical element.
The new element, Governmentium (Gv), has one neutron, 25 assistant
neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons, and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving
it an atomic mass of 312.
These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are
surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons.
Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert; however, it can be
detected because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into
contact.
A minute amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction that would
normally take less than a second, to take from four days to four years
to complete.
Governmentium has a normal half-life of 2-6 years; it does not decay,
but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the
assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places.
In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since
each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming
isodopes. This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists
to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical
concentration.
This hypothetical quantity is referred to as critical morass.
When catalyzed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium, an
element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium since it has
half as many peons but twice as many morons.