Oil Changes

Oil Change instructions for Women:

1.    Pull up to Dealership when the mileage reaches 5,000 miles

2.    Relax in the waiting room while enjoying a cup of coffee.

3.    Fifteen minutes later, scan debit card and leave, driving a

          TOTAL:        $24.00


Oil Change instructions for Men:

1.     Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy five quarts

2.      Stop to buy a case of beer, (debit $24), drive home.

3.      Open a beer and drink it.

4.      Jack Vette up.  Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.

5.      Find jack stands under kid’s pedal car.

6.      In frustration, open another beer and drink it.

7.      Place drain pan under engine.

8.      Look for wrench to fit drain, which neither ½ nor 9/16 will fit.

9.      Give up and use crescent wrench.  Unscrew drain plug.

10.  Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil:  splash hot oil on you in

11.  Crawl out from under Vette to wipe hot oil off of face and arms.

12.   Have another beer while watching oil drain.

13.   Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.

14.   Give up; crawl under Vette and hammer a screwdriver through

15.   Crawl out from under Vette with dripping oil filter splashing oil

16.   Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to

17.   Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.

18.   Remember drain plug from step 10.

19.   Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.

20.   Drink beer.

21.   Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. 

22.   Reinstall drain plug.  Drink beer.

23.   Crawl under Vette, getting kitty litter into eyes.  Wipe eyes

24.   Begin cussing fit.

25.   Throw stupid crescent wrench.

26.   Cuss for additional 5 minutes because wrench hit Vette and

27.   Beer.

28.   Clean up hands and bandage as required to stop blood flow.

29.   Beer.

30.   Dump in four remaining quarts of oil.

31.   Beer.

32.   Lower Vette from jack stands.

33.   Move Vette back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled

34.   Beer.

35.   Drive Vette back to auto parts store to buy quart of oil to

36.   Get pulled over—arrested for driving under the influence.

37.   Vette gets impounded.

38.   Call loving wife, make bail.

39.   Twelve hours later, get Vette from impound yard.

Money spent:
Parts:                $50.00
DUI:            $2,500.00
Impound fee:    $75.00
Bail:             $1,500.00
Beer:                 $20.00