Topic: Old lady's Letter to her Bank
in Forum: Humor
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Lifetime Member> 86-year Old Lady's Letter to Bank
>
>
> Shown below, is an actual letter that was sent to a bank by an 86 year
> old woman. The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it
> published in the New York Times.
>
>
> Dear Sir:
>
> I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I
> endeavored to pay my plumber last month.
> By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his
> presenting the check and the arrival in my account of the funds needed
> to honor it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of
> my entire pension, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place
> for only eight years. You are to be commended for seizing that brief
> window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account $30 by way of
> penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank. My thankfulness
> springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to
> rethink my errant financial ways.
> I noticed that whereas I personally answer your telephone calls and
> letters,
> --- when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal,
> overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become.
>
>>From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood
>>person.
> My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and hereafter no
> longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed
> personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you
> must nominate.
>
> Be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act for any other
> person to open such an envelope. Please find attached an Application
> Contact which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry
> it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or
> her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please note
> that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by
> a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of his/her financial
> situation (income, debts, assets and
> liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof. In due course,
> at MY convenience, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which
> he/she must quote in dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be
> shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number of
> button presses required of me to access my account balance on your
> phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of
> flattery.
> Let me level the playing field even further.
> When you call me, press buttons as follows:
>
> IMMEDIATELY AFTER DIALING, PRESS THE STAR (*) BUTTON FOR ENGLISH
>
> #1. To make an appointment to see me
>
> #2. To query a missing payment.
>
> #3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
> #4 To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping
>
> #5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
>
> #6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home
>
> #7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my
> computer is required. Password will be communicated to you at a later
> date to that Authorized Contact mentioned earlier.
>
> #8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7.
> #9. To make a general complaint or inquiry. The contact will then be
> put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service.
>
> #10. This is a second reminder to press* for English. While this may,
> on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for
> the duration of the call.
>
> Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an
> establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement. May
> I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous New Year?
> Your Humble Client
>
>
>
> (Remember: This was written by an 86 year old woman -'YA JUST GOTTA
> LOVE "
> US SENIORS" !!!!! )
>
>
> And remember: Don't make old People mad. We don't like being old in
> the first place, so it doesn't take much to set us off.
