Old time comedians...

Jack Benny, Shelly Berman, Red Buttons, Totie Fields, Milton Berle, Henny Youngman, and many others with their distinct humor.
Not a single swear word in their comic routines.
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A car hit an elderly Jewish man.
The Paramedic says, "Are you comfortable? "
The man says, "I make a good living."
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I just got back from a pleasure trip.
I took my mother-in-law to the airport.
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I've been in love with the same woman for 49 years.
If my wife finds out, she'll kill me!
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Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it.
The thief spends less than my wife did.
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We always hold hands.
If I let go, she shops.
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My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed.
My wife calls it the Dead Sea .
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My wife and I revisited the hotel where we spent our wedding night.
This time I was the one who stayed in the bathroom and cried.
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My Wife was at the beauty shop for two hours.
That was only for the estimate.
She got a mudpack and looked great for two days.
Then the mud fell off.
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The Doctor gave a man six months to live.
The man couldn't pay his bill, so the Doctor gave him another six months.
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The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, "Mrs. Cohen, your cheque came back."
Mrs. Cohen replied, "So did my Arthritis!"
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Doctor: "You'll live to be 60!"
Patient: "I AM 60!"
Doctor: "See! What did I tell you?"
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A Doctor held a stethoscope up to a man's chest.
The man asks, "Doc, how do I stand? "
The Doctor says, "That's what puzzles me!"
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Patient: "I have a ringing in my ears. "
Doctor: "Don't answer!"
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A drunk was in front of a Judge.
The Judge says, "You've been brought here for drinking. "
The drunk says, "Okay, let's get started."
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Why do Jewish Divorces cost so much?
They're worth it.
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Why do Jewish men die before their wives?
They want to.
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The Harvard School of Medicine did a study of why Jewish women like Chinese food so much.
The study revealed that the reason for this is because Won Ton spelled backward is Not Now.
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There is a big controversy on the Jewish view of when life begins.
In Jewish tradition, the fetus is not considered viable until it graduates from Law School.
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Q : Why don't Jewish mothers drink?
A : Alcohol interferes with their suffering.
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Q : Have you seen the newest Jewish-American-Princess horror movie?
A : It's called, "Debbie Does Dishes."
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Q : Why do Jewish mothers make great Parole Officers?
A : They never let anyone finish a sentence.
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A man called his mother in Florida .
"Mom, how are you?"
Not too good," said the mother.
"I've been very weak. "
The son said, �Why are you so weak?"
She said, "Because I haven't eaten in 38 days."
The son said, "That's terrible.
Why haven't you eaten in 38 days? "
The mother answered, "Because, I didn't want my mouth to be full in case you should call."
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A Jewish man said that when he was growing up, they always had two choices for dinner.
Take it or leave it.
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A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he has a part in the play.
She asks, "What part is it?"
The boy says, �I play the part of the Jewish husband. "
The mother scowls and says, "Go back and tell the teacher you want a speaking part."
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Q : Where does a Jewish husband hide money from his wife?
A : Under the vacuum cleaner.
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Q : How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a light bulb?
A : (Sigh) "Don't bother. I'll sit in the dark. I don't want to be a nuisance to anybody."
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Short summary of every Jewish holiday: They tried to kill us, we won, let's eat.
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A Jewish mother gives her son a blue shirt and a brown shirt for his birthday.
On the next visit, he wears the brown one.
The mother says, "What's the matter already?
Didn't you like the blue one?"
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Did you hear about the bum who walked up to a Jewish mother on the street and said, "Lady I haven't eaten in three days."
"Force yourself,"she replied.
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Q : What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a Jewish mother?
A : Eventually, the Rottweiler lets go.
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Q : Why are Jewish Men circumcised?
A : Because Jewish women don't like anything that isn't 20% off.

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