published in the New York Times.


Dear Sir:

I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavored to pay my

plumber last month. By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed

between his presenting the check and the arrival in my account of the funds needed

to honor it..

I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire pension, an

arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only eight years.

You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for

debiting my account $30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your

bank.

My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to

rethink my errant financial ways. I noticed that whereas I personally answer your

telephone calls and letters, but when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the

impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has

become.

From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person. My

mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic,

but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed personally and confidentially to an

employee at your bank whom you must nominate.

Be aware that it is an OFFENSE under the Postal Act for any other person to open

such an envelope.

Please find attached an Application Contact which I require your chosen employee

to complete.

I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her

as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative.

Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a

Notary Public, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts,

assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.

In due course, at MY convenience, I will issue your employee with a PIN number

which he/she must quote in dealings with me.

I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the

number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your

phone bank service.

As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.

Let me level the playing field even further.

When you call me, press buttons as follows:



IMMEDIATELY AFTER DIALING, PRESS THE STAR (*) BUTTON

FOR ENGLISH

#1. To make an appointment to see me

#2. To query a missing payment.

#3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.

#4 To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping

#5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.

#6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.

#7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer

       is required. Password will be communicated to you at a later date to that

       Authorized Contact mentioned earlier.

#8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7.

#9. To make a general complaint or inquiry. The contact will then be put on hold,

       pending the attention of my automated answering service.

#10. This is a second reminder to press * for English.

While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the

duration of the call.

Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment

fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.

May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous New Year?

Your Humble Client

P.S. And remember: don't make old people mad. We don't like being old in the

       first place, so it doesn't take much to tick us off.

 

Barry