Topic: Tool Definitions
in Forum: Humor
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Lifetime MemberHOWELL, NJ - USA
Joined: 5/18/2004
Posts: 6812
Vette(s): 1979, Targa Blue (72 Color), Pace Car rear spoiler, L88 hood, Dark blue factory interior, 525HP 406, HD 700R4, 370 gears,Steeroids, composite rear spring, TT IIs wrapped in T/A Radials.
For dems of you who don't know nuttin bout yer tules - the last one is the one I use most!!
:
WIRE WHEEL:
Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere
under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes
fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about
the time it takes you to say, 'Oh Sh--!'
SKIL SAW:
A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.
PLIERS:
Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of
blood-blisters.
BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor
touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.
HACKSAW:
One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle... It
transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more
you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
VISE-GRIPS:
Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing
else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to
the palm of your hand.
OXYACETYLENE TORCH:
Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on
fire Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which
you want to remove a bearing race.
TABLE SAW:
A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for
testing wall integrity.
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK:
Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your
new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.
BAND SAW:
A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good
aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can
after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.
TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST:
A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to
disconnect.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER:
Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style
paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be
used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.
STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER:
A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted
screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.
PRY BAR:
A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed
to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.
HOSE CUTTER:
A tool used to make hoses too short.
HAMMER:
Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a
kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object
we are trying to hit.
UTILITY KNIFE:
Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered
to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl
records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and
rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but
only while in use.
SON-OF-A-b***h TOOL:
(A personal favorite!) Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the
garage while yelling 'Son of a b***h!' at the top of your lungs. It is also,
most often, the next tool that you will need.
:DRILL PRESS:
A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat
metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in
the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the
freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the
corner where nothing could get to it.
A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat
metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in
the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the
freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the
corner where nothing could get to it.
WIRE WHEEL:
Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere
under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes
fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about
the time it takes you to say, 'Oh Sh--!'
SKIL SAW:
A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.
PLIERS:
Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of
blood-blisters.
BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor
touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.
HACKSAW:
One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle... It
transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more
you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
VISE-GRIPS:
Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing
else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to
the palm of your hand.
OXYACETYLENE TORCH:
Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on
fire Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which
you want to remove a bearing race.
TABLE SAW:
A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for
testing wall integrity.
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK:
Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your
new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.
BAND SAW:
A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good
aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can
after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.
TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST:
A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to
disconnect.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER:
Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style
paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be
used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.
STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER:
A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted
screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.
PRY BAR:
A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed
to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.
HOSE CUTTER:
A tool used to make hoses too short.
HAMMER:
Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a
kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object
we are trying to hit.
UTILITY KNIFE:
Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered
to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl
records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and
rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but
only while in use.
SON-OF-A-b***h TOOL:
(A personal favorite!) Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the
garage while yelling 'Son of a b***h!' at the top of your lungs. It is also,
most often, the next tool that you will need.
LukesVette Homepage
Veteran of Operation Iraqi Freedom
101st Airborne(AirAssault!)
God Bless America
Support Our Troops 
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Former Member
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Cramerton, NC - USA
Joined: 8/22/2006
Posts: 1094
Vette(s): black 1982 coupe slate gray interior, 350 crossfire, 1985 fuel pump, Steeroids R&P conversion
Yep, after checking the list I can say that I have ALL OF THE ABOVE in my shop and use them regularly
Lifetime MemberModerator
Duncanville, TX - USA
Joined: 11/8/2003
Posts: 20214
Vette(s): #1-1974 L-48 4spd Cp Med Red Metallic/Black deluxe int w/AC/tilt/tele./p/w-p/b/
Am-Fm/map light National/Regional/Chapter NCRS "Top Flight"
#2-1985 Bright Red/Carmine Cp.L-98/auto
Member: NCRS, NCRS Texas, Corvette Legends of Texas
Imma tinkin ALL of them fall into the SOB tool classification....btdt! 
Joel Adams
C3VR Lifetime Member #56 
My Link 
(click for Texas-sized view!) NCRS
"Money can't buy happiness -- but somehow it's more comforting to cry in a CORVETTE than in a Kia"
You are RIGHT ON, Paul!
Barry
Barry
Lifetime MemberHOWELL, NJ - USA
Joined: 5/18/2004
Posts: 6812
Vette(s): 1979, Targa Blue (72 Color), Pace Car rear spoiler, L88 hood, Dark blue factory interior, 525HP 406, HD 700R4, 370 gears,Steeroids, composite rear spring, TT IIs wrapped in T/A Radials.
I just found my SOB tool again today!!
LukesVette Homepage
Veteran of Operation Iraqi Freedom
101st Airborne(AirAssault!)
God Bless America
Support Our Troops
I've proved just about ever one of dem uses.... 
Larry
The difference between men and boys is the cost of their toys!!
in Forum: Humor
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