Topic: Walmartian Study
in Forum: Humor
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Lifetime MemberA few days ago my best friend from High School sent me a “Viet Nam Veteran” hat. I never had one of these before. I was pretty hyped about it, especially because my friend Ron was considerate enough to take the time to give it to me.
Yesterday I wore it when I went to Wal-Mart. There was nothing in particular that I needed at the world’s largest retailer, but since I retired, trips to Wally World to look at the Walmartians have become a regular entertainment. I guess that makes me a Walmartian too, but I give people an opportunity to study me as well. Fair’s fair.
While standing in line to check out, the guy in front of me, probably in his early thirties, asked, “Are you a Viet Nam Vet?”
“No,” I replied.
“Then why are you wearing that hat?”
“Because I couldn’t find one for the War of 1812.” I thought it was a snappy retort.
“The War of 1812, huh,” the Walmartian said. “When was that?”
God forgive me, but I couldn’t pass up such an opportunity. “1936.”
He pondered my response for a moment and responded, “Why do they call it the War of 1812 if it was in 1936?”
“It was a Black Op. No one is supposed to know about it.” This was beginning to be way fun.
“Dude! Really?” he exclaimed. “How did you get to do something that COOOOL?”
I glanced furtively around me for effect, leaned toward the guy and in a low voice said, “I’m not sure. I was the only Caucasian on the mission.”
“Dude!” He was really getting excited about what he was hearing. “That is seriously awesome! But didn’t you kinda stand out?”
“Not really,” I said. “The other guys were wearing white camouflage.” The Walmartian nodded knowingly.
“Listen man,” I said in a very serious tone, “You can’t tell anyone
“Oh yeah?” He gave me the don’t-threaten-me look. “Like, what’s gonna happen if I do?”
With a really hard look, I said, “You have a family don’t you? We wouldn’t want anything to happen to them, would we?”
The guy gulped, left his basket where it was and fled through the door.
By this time the lady behind me was about to wet her pants she was laughing so hard. I just grinned at her. Apparently I’m not the only Walmartian watcher.
After checking out and going to the parking lot, I saw the Walmartian leaning in a car window talking to a young woman. Upon catching sight of me, he started pointing excitedly in my direction. I did not smile. I made the “I see you” gesture—fingers in a vee, point to my eyes, point to him. He turned kind of pale, jumped in the car and sped out of the parking lot.
It was a good Walmartian expedition. Tomorrow I’m going back with a Homeland Security hat. Whoever said retirement is boring just needs the right selection of hat, and access to a Wal-Mart.
The difference between men and boys is the cost of their toys!!
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in Forum: Humor
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