OK.... since we have degenerated by invitation;

A woman, standing nude, looks in the bedroom mirror and says to her husband, "I look horrible. I feel fat and ugly. Pay me a compliment."

The husband replies, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."

He never heard the shot.

Davette

Oh Davette your the Bomb!!!

I think the girlz will just love thisin...


HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN:



*Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according
to lights and darks.

*Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown.

*If you see husband/boyfriend along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

*Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do
more sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc.

*Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah
wide loofah and pumice stone.

*Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.

*Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.

*Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced.

*Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.

*Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.

*Rinse conditioner off hair.

*Shave armpits and legs.

*Turn off shower.

*Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.

*Spray mold spots with Tilex.

*Get out of shower.

*Dry with towel the size of a small country.

*Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.

*Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.

*If you see husband/boyfriend along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A MAN:

*Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them
in a pile.

*Walk naked to the bathroom.

*If you see wife/girlfriend along the way, shake wiener at her making
the 'woo-woo' sound.

*Look at your manly physique in the mirror.

*Admire the size of your wiener and scratch your bum.

*Get in the shower.

*Wash your face. Wash your armpits.

*Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.

*Fluff and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.

*Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.

*Wash your bum, leaving those coarse booty hairs stuck on the soap.

*Wash your hair.

*Make a Shampoo Mohawk.

*Pee.

*Rinse off and get out of shower.

*Partially dry off.

*Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of tub
the whole time.

*Admire wiener size in mirror again.

*Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.

*Return to bedroom with towel around waist.

*If you pass wife/girlfriend, pull off towel, shake wiener at her and
make the 'woo-woo' sound again.

*Throw wet towel on bed.



Instructional Video

Tuxolet...

woo woo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!Way to go Tux, both of those were right on!!!!!

OK... one more;

A guy stuck his head into a barber shop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, "About 2 hours."

The guy left. A few days later the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looked around at the shop and said, "About 3 hours."

The guy left.

A week later the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looked around the shop and said, "About an hour and half."

The guy left.

The barber turned to a friend and said, "Hey, Bill, do me a favor. Follow that guy and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but then he doesn't ever come back."

A little while later, Bill returned to the shop, laughing hysterically.

The barber asked, "So where does that guy go when he leaves?"

Bill looked up, tears in his eyes and said, "Your house."

Davette

Seems that last one went over like a lead baloon... Try this;

When Dan found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with.



So one evening he went to a singles bar where he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. "I may look like just an ordinary man," he said as he walked up to her, "but in just a few weeks my father will die and I'll inherit 20 million dollars."



Impressed, the woman went home with him that evening and, three days later, she became his stepmother.



Women are so much smarter than men.

Davette

kkfinch2007-03-09 13:56:43

You'll LOVE this one then;

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks,
interviews and tests were done, there were 3 finalists... 2 men and a woman.

For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door
and handed him a gun.

"We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the
circumstances. Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair
Kill her!"

The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife." The
agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and
go home."

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went
into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out
with tears in his eyes. "I tried, but I can't kill my wife." The agent
said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions to
kill her husband.

She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after
another, eight in a row. They heard screaming, crashing, and banging on the
walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet.

The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from
her brow. "This gun is loaded with blanks," she said. "I had to beat him
to death with the chair."

Moral: Never put a woman to the test.

Davette

Yep.  Love that one too!!!!