Home page

Vette Women

Back to top of thread

Hey Ladies....Bad Joke (19/29)
 3/4/07 12:55am
tuxblacrayLifetime Member
Lifetime Member
Send Private Message

Greensburg, IN - USA

Vette(s):
Previous: 1984 Silver / Charcoal Coupe, 1988 Maroon Coupe / 1989 Artic White / Mod. Red Int. Coupe, Present:1976 Stingray Black / Black, Auto, 350 slightly modified (355 hp) Luxor Wires Redline Tires. / 2001 Speedway White Vert, Torch Red Int, LS1, Auto.


Joined: 9/24/2003
Posts: 5174

Hmmmnn, guyz bein requested ta post in a gals forum now that's a twist. Mosta da time it's youz guyz gotta stay out. (Hence For Ladies Only)
Last time I posted here I gotta email tellin me I violated some kinda forum protocal. Oh well I gonna take the above post from da gals as a personal invite. (Kinda like Davette)Well I'm not new ta trouble so let's see where this is gonna take me. Youze gals stir up some good topics an I'll post a reply... If'n I can come up wit some fairly awful decent logic....

                         Tuxolet.....


Otay howz about disun: IT & MANAGEMENT....

A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am.
The woman below replied, "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."

"You must be in IT," said the balloonist.

"I am," replied the woman, "How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip."

The woman below responded, "You must be in Management."

"I am", replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my f!@#$%^ g fault."

Tuxblacray2007-03-03 22:17:16

______________
Tuxblacray: She's Back In Black! Check out my pics @ My Link


(Click on image to see a bigger version)


Hey Ladies....Bad Joke (20/29)
 3/4/07 9:10am
gurtz
Former Member

Send Private Message

baton rouge, LA - USA

Vette(s):
1981 dark metallic blue, dark doeskin leather interior, mirrored glass T Tops, 330hp/350ci GMPP crate engine, billeted aluminum serpentine system, Dewitts with dual spalls


Joined: 8/12/2006
Posts: 391

Nother good one Tux, keep em coming!!
 
 
Woman goes to the Doctor:
 
The Doctor comes into the exam room and asks what he can do for her?
 
The woman replies: "I am severly depressed, my husband does not acknowledge me anymore." 
 
The Doctor steps back and says, "I hate to insult you any further, but good God, look at your self woman, you don't need me.  I recommend you go straight to the Day Spa and get a full body makeover, then go to Victoria's Secret and get a sexy outfit, then go to the Hair Salon, get a new hair do, pedicure, manicure, lastly, go to the Wine Store and get a nice bottle of wine, candles.  Go home, totally clean up your home, set out the candles, wine, nice dinner and wait for your husband in the outfit, laying across the sofa.  I guarantee that will get his attention, it works for me!"
 
So she does all of that and when her husband walks through the door, he walks right past her, goes straight to the refrigerator, pops open his beer, sits at the kitchen table, opens his newspaper to the sports section and starts to read.
 
His wife is furious, she runs into the kitchen and asks him, "Don't you notice anything different?"
 
He looks up from the paper and says "yeah, you have your nightgown on backwards!"
 
She steps backs and replies, "I have my nightgown on backwards!"
 
And he again replies, "yeah, the sh&t stains are in the front!"
 
The moral of the story is you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink!"  I hope this does not offend anyone!
Hey Ladies....Bad Joke (21/29)
 3/4/07 12:58pm
Autom8r
Former Member

Send Private Message

Old Hickory, TN - USA

Vette(s):
1978 L-82 Silver Anniversary hotrod. /////////////


Joined: 5/26/2003
Posts: 599

OK.... since we have degenerated by invitation;

A woman, standing nude, looks in the bedroom mirror and says to her husband, "I look horrible. I feel fat and ugly. Pay me a compliment."

The husband replies, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."

He never heard the shot.

Davette
Hey Ladies....Bad Joke (22/29)
 3/4/07 1:32pm
gs77vet
Former Member

Send Private Message

Joined: 3/19/2005
Posts: 385

A friend of mine parents are mom-90, dad91. My friend called to tell his dad he was coming over for a visit and does he need anything. His dad replied "bring me a pack of rubbers. true story, Gene

Hey Ladies....Bad Joke (23/29)
 3/4/07 1:33pm
tuxblacrayLifetime Member
Lifetime Member
Send Private Message

Greensburg, IN - USA

Vette(s):
Previous: 1984 Silver / Charcoal Coupe, 1988 Maroon Coupe / 1989 Artic White / Mod. Red Int. Coupe, Present:1976 Stingray Black / Black, Auto, 350 slightly modified (355 hp) Luxor Wires Redline Tires. / 2001 Speedway White Vert, Torch Red Int, LS1, Auto.


Joined: 9/24/2003
Posts: 5174

Oh Davette your the Bomb!!!

I think the girlz will just love thisin...


HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN:



*Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according
to lights and darks.

*Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown.

*If you see husband/boyfriend along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

*Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do
more sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc.

*Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah
wide loofah and pumice stone.

*Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.

*Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.

*Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced.

*Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.

*Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.

*Rinse conditioner off hair.

*Shave armpits and legs.

*Turn off shower.

*Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.

*Spray mold spots with Tilex.

*Get out of shower.

*Dry with towel the size of a small country.

*Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.

*Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.

*If you see husband/boyfriend along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A MAN:

*Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them
in a pile.

*Walk naked to the bathroom.

*If you see wife/girlfriend along the way, shake wiener at her making
the 'woo-woo' sound.

*Look at your manly physique in the mirror.

*Admire the size of your wiener and scratch your bum.

*Get in the shower.

*Wash your face. Wash your armpits.

*Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.

*Fluff and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.

*Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.

*Wash your bum, leaving those coarse booty hairs stuck on the soap.

*Wash your hair.

*Make a Shampoo Mohawk.

*Pee.

*Rinse off and get out of shower.

*Partially dry off.

*Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of tub
the whole time.

*Admire wiener size in mirror again.

*Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.

*Return to bedroom with towel around waist.

*If you pass wife/girlfriend, pull off towel, shake wiener at her and
make the 'woo-woo' sound again.

*Throw wet towel on bed.




Instructional Video

Tuxolet...

______________
Tuxblacray: She's Back In Black! Check out my pics @ My Link


(Click on image to see a bigger version)


Hey Ladies....Bad Joke (24/29)
 3/4/07 2:26pm
gurtz
Former Member

Send Private Message

baton rouge, LA - USA

Vette(s):
1981 dark metallic blue, dark doeskin leather interior, mirrored glass T Tops, 330hp/350ci GMPP crate engine, billeted aluminum serpentine system, Dewitts with dual spalls


Joined: 8/12/2006
Posts: 391

woo woo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!Way to go Tux, both of those were right on!!!!!
Hey Ladies....Bad Joke (25/29)
 3/4/07 4:37pm
Autom8r
Former Member

Send Private Message

Old Hickory, TN - USA

Vette(s):
1978 L-82 Silver Anniversary hotrod. /////////////


Joined: 5/26/2003
Posts: 599

OK... one more;

A guy stuck his head into a barber shop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, "About 2 hours."

The guy left. A few days later the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looked around at the shop and said, "About 3 hours."

The guy left.

A week later the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looked around the shop and said, "About an hour and half."

The guy left.

The barber turned to a friend and said, "Hey, Bill, do me a favor. Follow that guy and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but then he doesn't ever come back."

A little while later, Bill returned to the shop, laughing hysterically.

The barber asked, "So where does that guy go when he leaves?"

Bill looked up, tears in his eyes and said, "Your house."

Davette

Hey Ladies....Bad Joke (26/29)
 3/9/07 3:51pm
Autom8r
Former Member

Send Private Message

Old Hickory, TN - USA

Vette(s):
1978 L-82 Silver Anniversary hotrod. /////////////


Joined: 5/26/2003
Posts: 599

Seems that last one went over like a lead baloon... Try this;

When Dan found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with.



So one evening he went to a singles bar where he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. "I may look like just an ordinary man," he said as he walked up to her, "but in just a few weeks my father will die and I'll inherit 20 million dollars."



Impressed, the woman went home with him that evening and, three days later, she became his stepmother.



Women are so much smarter than men.

Davette
Hey Ladies....Bad Joke (27/29)
 3/9/07 4:56pm
kkfinchLifetime Member
Lifetime Member
Send Private Message

Gresham, OR - USA

Vette(s):
1977 Maroon T-Top


Joined: 9/4/2006
Posts: 652

I can't resist commenting on this one!  You are SOOOOOO right----
 
[QUOTE=Autom8r]Women are so much smarter than men.
[/QUOTE]
 
Rolling%20On%20The%20Floor%20Laughing
 
 
kkfinch2007-03-09 13:56:43
Hey Ladies....Bad Joke (28/29)
 3/9/07 8:48pm
Autom8r
Former Member

Send Private Message

Old Hickory, TN - USA

Vette(s):
1978 L-82 Silver Anniversary hotrod. /////////////


Joined: 5/26/2003
Posts: 599

You'll LOVE this one then;

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks,
interviews and tests were done, there were 3 finalists... 2 men and a woman.

For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door
and handed him a gun.

"We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the
circumstances. Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair
Kill her!"

The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife." The
agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and
go home."

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went
into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out
with tears in his eyes. "I tried, but I can't kill my wife." The agent
said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions to
kill her husband.

She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after
another, eight in a row. They heard screaming, crashing, and banging on the
walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet.

The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from
her brow. "This gun is loaded with blanks," she said. "I had to beat him
to death with the chair."

Moral: Never put a woman to the test.

Davette
Hey Ladies....Bad Joke (29/29)
 3/9/07 9:05pm
kkfinchLifetime Member
Lifetime Member
Send Private Message

Gresham, OR - USA

Vette(s):
1977 Maroon T-Top


Joined: 9/4/2006
Posts: 652

Yep.  Love that one too!!!!
 
Rolling%20On%20The%20Floor%20Laughing